We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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