haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
