apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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