I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
