Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
