Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I want to walk on stilts...naked
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
