Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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