I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
