I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
you win again, gameday.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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