I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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