3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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