You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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