I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
