I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
