im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
