Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Randomize
