the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
