I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
