I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
