i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
