there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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