Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
