I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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