dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
