every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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