Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
