I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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