Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
