I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
