Betty ford says i'm here all night
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
