I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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