I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
