overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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