I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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