4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
