just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
