Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
