okay pat passed out under dana's car
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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