my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
