i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
