If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
