I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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