I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
