My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
