I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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