Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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