god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
