I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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