ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
