Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
