I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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